Dead Girls Don’t Dance

I am SO sick of these adverts for prescription medications on TV, and a lot of them are for imaginary diseases, anyway. There seems to be a horrible, potentially death-dealing drug for every possible minor inconvenience, lately. For example:

Restless legs syndrome:
also known as “My body is telling me to get up and move around but I don’t want to because I’m a lazy pig” disease

Oh, boo fricking hoo. You sit at a desk at work all day, then you sit in front of the TV at home all night, and then you freak because your legs feel funny at bedtime? Hello, the symptoms listed for “Restless Legs Syndrome” all sound EXACTLY like my ass going to sleep if I don’t move around. Listen to your body, people. It’s telling you to heave your bloated carcass off the couch and go for a walk after dinner.

There’s an ad for a drug for this so-called ailment, but if you’re paying attention, the side effects sound WAY worse than the problem the medication is supposed to treat:

• Feeling faint or dizzy when you stand up (Not good.)
• Feeling drowsy or falling asleep during daily activities such as driving (Potentially fatal.)
• Hallucinations (Oh, HELL no. What if you have a hallucination WHILE DRIVING, just before falling asleep at the wheel?)
• Compulsive gambling (This medication is so expensive, you can’t afford to lose. And what happens if you hallucinate while gambling?)
• Compulsive eating (Just what you need when you’re taking a drug that makes you not want to move.)
• Increased sex drive (Okay, so that might not be all bad, but what if you fall asleep while having sex? While driving a car? And hallucinating?)
• Nausea and Headache (If I have to explain why these are bad, you needn’t worry about “restless legs syndrome”, because you already have “I’m A Blithering Dumbass Syndrome.”)

Acid Reflux
“I eat huge piles of fatty rubbish and can’t understand why I always have heartburn” disease

Please. If you constantly get heartburn, just FUCKING STOP EATING THINGS THAT GIVE YOU HEARTBURN! You will not DIE if you pass up pizza, fried chicken, or any of the other greasy nasty shit that tends to trigger indigestion. Hell, you might even lose some weight.

Side effects of most acid reflux medications include headache, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. No surprises there… but I actually looked this shit up. You know what was surprising? The main ingredient in most “acid reflux” medications is sodium bicarbonate, also known as BAKING SODA, which can be purchased (retail) for less than 80 cents per POUND. It was only mildly surprising, though. Why the hell not add a patented ingredient that does nothing but increase the risk of bad side effects to baking soda and charge 3000 times as much for something you can buy at the grocery store? I wish I had thought of that, because I’d be filthy rich. Even after all the wrongful death lawsuits.

Overactive Bladder
“I pee a lot and I’m afraid somebody might notice and make fun of me” disease.

Oh. My. God. There’s a TV ad out there that actually tries to make women feel ashamed of going pee. What THE FUCK? We constantly hear that you’re supposed to drink 8 glasses of water a day. That’s two quarts, ladies. If you drink all that water like a good little girl, you’re gonna pee a lot, unless there’s something VERY wrong with you. Like, maybe you’re actually a man with an enlarged prostate. All that liquid has to go SOMEWHERE, and there’s basically three options: piss it out, sweat it out, or retain it and bloat up until you look like the Michelin Man. I’d rather pee.

The most common side effects of this stupid pill include dry mouth, headache, abdominal pain, and constipation. Uh, once again, I think I’d rather just pee a lot.

And right this minute, I’d like to pee sour beer all over the people who come up with these horrible commercials.

Tags: semi-daily //