Ah, romance.
Valentine’s Day is pretty much a wash around here. That’s partly because my beloved and I just aren’t sweet, mushy people, but mostly because Valentine’s Day is a steaming heap of over-commercialized crap. (Just like Christmas, only with most of the pressure on men.)
It’s just plain WRONG to make people feel that they don’t deserve to be loved unless they spend boatloads of money on useless rubbish, particularly when you consider the multitude of perfectly valid OTHER reasons for not loving them. If you are unloved because you’re a stupid jerk, you’re doing yourself a disservice by thinking it must be because you didn’t buy somebody that diamond tennis bracelet.
Despite all of this, and the sheer annoyance of being visually assaulted by cutesy pink fuzzy-wuzzy things every time I walked into the grocery store, drug store, or damn near any other store for the last two weeks, I didn’t see any reason not to try to squeeze a little fun out of this bullshit Hallmark holiday.
A few days ago, I spotted big bags of steamed lobster claws in the seafood department at the neighborhood grocery. They NEVER have lobster at this stupid store except around Valentine’s Day, because this part of town is not exactly a high-end market where people just simply decide to have lobster for dinner for no special reason.
So I said to my dear darling, “Hey, how about we get some of those and have a romantic dinner on Valentine’s Day?”
“Valentine’s Day is stupid. But lobster DOES sound good. Let’s get the other stuff and come back if we’ve got enough money.”
“You’re about as romantic as a plantar wart, you know that?”
We didn’t get the lobster then, but I decided yesterday to grab some if they still had any. And they did. So I bought it, and also blew two bucks on a card with a mildly dirty joke in it, and another dollar for a pair of novelty dice.
Bonehead didn’t come home, though. I signed the card and left it on the computer keyboard to make sure he’d find it, and started tucking into the lobster claws without him. In front of the TV.
When he finally showed up, I was curled up, almost purring, on the couch. He tossed a heart-shaped box of chocolates into my lap and headed for the computer without kissing me, because I had butter all over my face.
“Whumpph oo bmmphh?” I called out, spraying the box with garlic bread crumbs. (We are not only unromantic, we’re also getting disgracefully rude.)
“WHAT?!?” he shouted from another room.
“I said, where’ve you been?”
“Over at Stevie’s,” he called back. Stevie is one of his friends.
“How did Pam feel about that? It IS Valentine’s Day, you know.” Pam is Stevie’s live-in girlfriend.
“She didn’t care. I think they already did something.” Pam and Stevie are about as mushy and sentimental as we are.
“Want some lobster claws?” Please say no…
“I’m not hungry, maybe later.” SCORE! I continued to stuff my face, and then a few moments later I heard him laugh.
“Find your card?”
“Yeah. Cute.” Here’s what the card said: (Outside) “I don’t need a special holiday to tell you how much I love you.” (Inside) “But, if it leads to having SEX… Happy Valentine’s Day! Merry Christmas! Happy Halloween! Happy Thanksgiving! Happy St. Patty’s Day! Happy July 4th! Happy Memorial Day!”
That pretty much sums the whole thing up, don’t you think?
Brilliant! And yes, if the holiday includes sex, I guess it isn’t ENTIRELY worthless.
I like your redesign by the way. Very posh.
Thanks, Cookie! I think it’s very classy and elegant… too bad that’s not really the look I want! *insert unpleasant laugh here* However, I just couldn’t stand looking at the default WordPress theme for another minute, so I grabbed this pretty freebie until I have time to cobble up a more appropriately flippant custom theme.