Dead Girls Don’t Dance

I don’t have kids. I don’t want kids. BUT I don’t HATE kids. I actually rather like them, because they tend to be very honest, which frequently causes them to say things that are (unintentionally) funny.

Nevertheless, I just don’t want them anywhere near me unless they are impeccably clean and on their best behavior. And as far I’m concerned, good behavior means doing kid stuff in a designated kid area, or sitting completely motionless and silent, unless they are directly spoken to, or are on fire from an adult accidentally flicking a cigarette butt on them. Sorry folks, but that’s how I was raised.

Aside from that, here are my three reasons to not have children:

1. Children are horribly expensive. They need food, clothing, shelter, medical care, and education. Hell, I don’t make enough money to obtain all of these things just for myself. I just can’t afford to take proper care of a baby, even if I wanted one. Not without going on welfare, anyway, and I’d rather die.
2. Children are the second most annoying thing in the universe. The MOST annoying thing in the universe is dumbass parents who think it’s acceptable to allow their ill-mannered, snot-dripping spawn to run loose and/or scream in movie theaters and restaurants.
3. Human babies, unlike puppies, cannot be conveniently given away if you suddenly realise at 2AM that you simply don’t want to take care of this adorable but demanding little beast that is yowling and crying and depriving you of sleep.

I know this sounds very nasty and selfish, but I honestly think it’s best for me to not even try to do the baby thing.

Tags: semi-daily by Miss J
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I couldn’t get out of bed this morning.

Well, I did, eventually, but it took an astonishing long time, partly because only the LEFT SIDE of my back punked out on me, and I was terrified. I knew four days ago that I had a pulled muscle in my lower back, but I just did my yoga routine to stretch it out so it wouldn’t hurt so much, and kept on going. It seems that was not really a good idea.

This morning, after my day off, which was misspent mostly shopping, performing miscellaneous household tasks, and crocheting a sweater, I woke up damn near paralyzed. I could move, but it hurt so much I didn’t want to.

This has never happened to me before, and because it was 6:30 AM and I was still drowsy and stupid, I was thinking

HEART ATTACK! STROKE! BLOOD CLOT! My house is a mess, and I’m dying in ugly pajamas! What will the paramedics think?

After I managed to crawl out of bed, limp to the bathroom, and insert my contact lenses (which was SHOCKINGLY difficult), I called in to work, in tears, to say I couldn’t make it. I lucked out. My boss not only understood, but dropped by with muscle relaxers and advice. He’s already been in this situation. He would prefer to have me stay home and rest, because apparently he rather seriously messed up his OWN back by bulldogging through a minor injury.

That actually makes business sense, because if I just grit my teeth and keep going, my back will only get worse, and that would eventually incapacitate me and render me partially disabled and pretty much useless for a longer period of time. Additionally, gritting my teeth gives me a smashing bitch-kitty of a headache, which makes me cranky and unpleasant.

Well, MORE cranky and unpleasant than usual, anyway.

At any rate, I’m going to stop here, because typing one-handed probably isn’t doing me any good.

Tags: semi-daily by Miss J
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A minor household disaster occurs while I am waiting for my ride to work, and a persistent telemarketer calls:

[phone rings] “Hello?”

“May I speak to Janice?”

“No, you may not.” [click]

… 45 seconds later

[phone rings] “Hello.”

“Is Janice in?” same voice from previous call

“Yes, she is, but her cat just barfed on the couch and she doesn’t want to talk to anybody she doesn’t know.”

[click]

Tags: semi-daily by Miss J
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